Chromebooks targeted by Russian hackers

TOWAMENCIN – North Penn administrators revealed on Monday that the district’s Chromebooks were infiltrated by members of the Russian government. The targets were primarily secondary students whose search history included the terms “democracy,” “actual news,” and “how to not be a communist.”

“The Russians who hacked our Chromebooks sought to influence student council elections, and we believe they were successful,” explained Toddomir Bauerovich, a spokesman for the NSA (North Penn Security Agency). “It’s extremely likely that [SGA president] Billy Wermuth is communicating with Vladimir Putin as we speak.”

However, Bauerovich emphasized that a counterintelligence operation of this scale usually involves an accomplice from within. Technology Learning Coach Mike Botti, one of the district’s premier technocrats, is a currently a prime suspect.

Stefan Muller, the principal of Knapp Elementary, was recently appointed to oversee an investigation into possible collusion between Botti and the Russian government. This Muller investigation will begin immediately. 

Muller declined to comment, citing security concerns related to his investigation. He did, however, request to be parodied by Robert De Niro on Saturday Night Live.

In response to repeated media inquiries, Botti responded that “the Muller investigation is the single greatest witch hunt in the history of North Penn School District. There is zero collusion, I am completely innocent, and no, you cannot see my tax returns.” (It is worth noting that Botti was never asked about his tax returns.)

As North Penn moves closer to the truth, only one thing is certain: the Knight Crier remains unhacked, uncensored, and unwavering in its pursuit of technological justice.