Deck the Hall (-mark channel)

You either love to hate it or hate to love it. Or both, simultaneously.


Alexis Bamford

A festive display of lights at Peddler’s Village.

“I can’t trust you. . . because you didn’t tell the truth.”

This is an actual quote from Hallmark’s sleighful of gooey, schmaltzy holiday movies.

Yes, I watch them, carelessly tossing out commentary as salty as my popcorn. (T’is the season to let that cynicism shine.) But I’m proud to announce that I’ve finally managed to crack the formula for a perfect Christmas movie, so without further ado, I present:

A Holiday Christmas Royal Snowy Cabin

A workaholic single mother from New York City* is sent to a picturesque cabin in a quaint little town** for a ‘girls weekend.’ Unfortunately, all of her friends get stranded in a snowstorm***, so they give their reservation to an attractive man who recently suffered a tragic loss****. A polite older lady***** encourages the two to follow their hearts, so they travel to the Kingdom of Belgiamaniovia****** to get married while simultaneously defeating the evil land developer who’s bent on destroying their bookstore and/or cupcake bakery.

*Why is New York always the bad guy?

**Presumably Southern, because in these movies, no one wears coats. Like, ever. And fancy scarves just don’t cut it in below-freezing temperatures.

***This is realistic because people generally don’t care about expensive vacations, and Northeasterners love it when the snow ruins their plans.

****Spoiler alert: his high school sweetheart left him. Shocking, because, as we all know, high school relationships always last forever!

*****Or five-year-old. Or golden retriever puppy.

******Also known as Czechoslaviomia.

In all seriousness, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with needing a break. Whether it be a rest from the homework, the news cycle, or maybe just society in general, you deserve it! Make some hot chocolate and put on a pair of fuzzy socks; the Hallmark Channel awaits.

(Side effects – or snide effects – may include yelling at the TV, excessive laughter, and yes, maybe even a teeny bit of joy.)

Happy Holidays!